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Chuck Norris

Punchlines from the book:

Chuck Norris was bitten by a cora, and after 5 days of excruciating pain … the cobra died.

Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He defeats it fair and square.

He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris, it’s definitely his last laugh.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctoe. Never slap Chuck Norris.

On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still-beating heart of one of his enemies.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Why were no weapons of mass destruction found in the Middle East? Because Chuck Norris lives in Texas.

Chuck Norris never uses a stunt double, except during crying scenes.

Chuck Norris’s mind is connected to the internet. He refreshes Web pages by blinking.

When Chuck Norris plays monopoly, it affects the world economy.

For undercover work Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly onto his chest.

Chuck Norris’s pulse is measured on the Richter scale.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can eat  just one Lay’s potato chip.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage.

Chuck Norris eats bullets for breakfast. Watch out when he burps.

When Chuck Norris exercise the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear Sunblock. The Sun wears Chuckblock.

Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound … yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.

There is no such thing as a tornado – only the aftermath of a Chuck Norris sneeze.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he isn’t lifting himself up; he’s pushing the earth down.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can hear the silence.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars look both ways.

Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes; he steps on necks.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity- twice.

Chuck Norris’s first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris went skydiving once but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

 

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